I remember running away from home twice. Neither escape turned out well. But at least I could run away from home and live to tell about it. For some unknown reason, I was allowed back in the house and given the same deal I had before I made my break from my parents. Basically, it was free room and board. I liked my room, and the food was ok, especially since I cooked some of it many evenings. But I made my final break when I joined the Army at 17. I celebrated my 18th birthday in basic training, no cards, no cake, no care from anyone who knew enough to care. That was 18 for me. I was too busy anyhow staying out of trouble with the drill instructor to worry about celebrating a birthday.

I quickly realized that I would never really have the luxury of running away again without serious consequences. The army had it's paws on me and I was going to stick it out no matter what. Running away was no longer an option. There have been times since then that I have wanted to run away, or escape somehow. But I really haven't been able to do that.

I've taken breaks, vacations, days off and otherwise found ways to stop thinking about whatever it was that I would want to run away from. But I've never found a successful way to run away and never come back. What would I really be running away from anyhow? I think as I look back over the years, those times when I wanted to escape from something were times of great frustration. The frustration simmered into anger. The anger moved me to run off. How did this whole thing get started, this journey away from the center?

I think it goes back to uselessness or the perception that life is headed no where in particular. On the off chance that I might find something meaningful out there, that there might be something for me, I packed my pockets and tore out without much thought or experience. Landing in the Army gave me a place to rediscover the hard fact that you really can't run away. You have to face whatever it is that makes you feel useless.

I suppose we all face some times in our lives when we question ourselves, "What on earth am I here for"? I know I've had a posse full of those moments. I get em now mostly when I am overwhelmed and under appreciated. I don't admit to being either very well, but I know the signs. I admit them to myself at least. But the hard fact is, I can't run away without serious consequences.

I've had a lot of compliments and notes of appreciation lately and that has been a very good thing really. I've needed it in the midst of so many things that threaten to overwhelm me. Someone asked me the simple question this week, "How Are You Doing"? I think they know that way too much is going on in my life and they just wanted to take my emotional pulse and see if I was making it.

That question had a powerful impact on me. It gave me courage to know that someone recognized that it is just a crazy time and that a lot is going on. It actually gave me strength not to run away but to stick it out and get back in the fight as it were.

When I feel myself wanting to run away, I start thinking about what it is that makes me feel that way. It takes a lot of work to process those thoughts, but it is usually worth it. Than I try to get some perspective on those thoughts from my wife and family and a few friends. Courage to stand my ground and keep on keeping on have been the result. Maybe the main thing to face over and over again is the question, "What Am I here For"? Don't run from this one, in fact, post it on the wall of your mind. Don't grow tired of it, be empowered by it. Don't come to hate it, but learn to struggle with it. I think it will end the urge to run away.